Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five