youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame