Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS