He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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