I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
19 Parents Admit the Lies They’ve Told Their Children
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
21 Worst Confessions on a First Date
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.