I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up