i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Never let your siblings swipe right.
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