i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.