So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize
