She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.