I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.