I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places