She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.