CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
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I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I cannot find my penis.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
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why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots