She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home