please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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