It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It was confusing and full of hummus
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien