Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
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If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
someone threw a dead crab at me
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS