why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
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Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.