My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
