He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.