I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him