You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.