By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you