Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?