either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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