wakey wakey hands off snakey
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
