he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.