Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.