he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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