I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
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it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
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Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.