So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
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Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
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The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....