I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!