I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section