we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward