so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'