I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
smell my finger.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i drank out of a bidet.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Are my feet made of real feet?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.