whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"