i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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