I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny