What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
