I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dating After Heartbreak
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I love you!
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH