He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
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Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
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I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?