When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
