I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
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You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
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she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?