i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
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In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
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How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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