Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section