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The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
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