I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
