Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.