I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity